Good Bye
ok, so, it's been a little while since i called you from chicago now.... and, you probably think that it was stupid. that i shouldn't have made the phone call, that it was just a last attempt at getting back what used to be the most important friendship i had ever had.
well, i knew that wasn't going to happen.
i actually did a role play on you, because i really needed closure on the whole situation, and i didn't think i could get it by actually talking to you. so i did it with someone else pretending to be you. that way i actually got to say what i needed to say, and it was all heard, and i got to process it with my case manager and my peers after, etc..
well, i was asked after the role play how i felt, and i replied "i wanna call her right now and actually say it all to her for real". Kate, (my case manager) told me to log that feeling and wait 24 hours. and, if i DID decide to make the call, to expect the worst. well, i logged it. i waited 24 hours. and by the next afternoon, i still felt all fired up and ready to confront you. i was ready to do it, and i thought i could handle whatever the outcome was. i was prepared to "expect the worst". only i thought "the worst" would be you hanging up on me and not letting me say anything at all. what actually happened, was MUCH worse. i was so fucking hurt when i hung up the phone.... i went straight to my room, which i wasn't even allowed in at that time, lay down on my bed with my headphones on, buried my face in my pillow and BAWLED.... like, really loud, gasping, sobs.. within minutes, i had a nurse in my room trying to figure out what was wrong with me.. i was given a whole smorgasbord of sedatives and tranquilizers (seroquel, clonazepam, ativan, and finally immovane) and i was forced out of my room, to "talk". Nurse Pat couldn't get much out of me, but Kate came out of her office, announcing that she'd "take over" and, i was taken into her office where i sat rocking and shaking and very close to a panic attack on the couch, trying to talk out what had happened....
she made one comment to me, which i realized, is truly a good thing. and, i am glad that i made that phone call now, for this one simple reason:
before it was made, i still loved you. ALOT. i couldn't hate you, and i knew that i wasn't capable of those kinds of feeling towards someone i had been so close to, previously. but, i was so angry after the phone call, i told Kate that i hated you.. i told everyone that i hated you, and that you were a selfish bitch. i didn't mean it of course, i don't hate you. but, what Kate pointed out to me, was that before i was uncapable of feeling that emotion, and through one phone call i was able to reunite myself with those feelings.
now, i don't hate you. hate is a very strong word, and i will never hate you. in fact, i will love you forever. there will always be a special place in my heart for you, and it can't be filled with anything else. i will definitely always love you. but, right now- i just don't like you. i don't like what you did. i don't like how you made me feel. i don't like what i did either, but i don't like how you reacted to it.. i don't like a whole lot of things.
so, i'm sorry. sorry for everything.
i don't plan on keeping up this website anymore, but if by some chance you have read any of it, i don't want you to think that i'm just giving up on you. i wanted you to have an explanation.
i love you
take care of yourself,
take care of Kyle,
and give him a hug for me
love,
kathrynn
well, i knew that wasn't going to happen.
i actually did a role play on you, because i really needed closure on the whole situation, and i didn't think i could get it by actually talking to you. so i did it with someone else pretending to be you. that way i actually got to say what i needed to say, and it was all heard, and i got to process it with my case manager and my peers after, etc..
well, i was asked after the role play how i felt, and i replied "i wanna call her right now and actually say it all to her for real". Kate, (my case manager) told me to log that feeling and wait 24 hours. and, if i DID decide to make the call, to expect the worst. well, i logged it. i waited 24 hours. and by the next afternoon, i still felt all fired up and ready to confront you. i was ready to do it, and i thought i could handle whatever the outcome was. i was prepared to "expect the worst". only i thought "the worst" would be you hanging up on me and not letting me say anything at all. what actually happened, was MUCH worse. i was so fucking hurt when i hung up the phone.... i went straight to my room, which i wasn't even allowed in at that time, lay down on my bed with my headphones on, buried my face in my pillow and BAWLED.... like, really loud, gasping, sobs.. within minutes, i had a nurse in my room trying to figure out what was wrong with me.. i was given a whole smorgasbord of sedatives and tranquilizers (seroquel, clonazepam, ativan, and finally immovane) and i was forced out of my room, to "talk". Nurse Pat couldn't get much out of me, but Kate came out of her office, announcing that she'd "take over" and, i was taken into her office where i sat rocking and shaking and very close to a panic attack on the couch, trying to talk out what had happened....
she made one comment to me, which i realized, is truly a good thing. and, i am glad that i made that phone call now, for this one simple reason:
before it was made, i still loved you. ALOT. i couldn't hate you, and i knew that i wasn't capable of those kinds of feeling towards someone i had been so close to, previously. but, i was so angry after the phone call, i told Kate that i hated you.. i told everyone that i hated you, and that you were a selfish bitch. i didn't mean it of course, i don't hate you. but, what Kate pointed out to me, was that before i was uncapable of feeling that emotion, and through one phone call i was able to reunite myself with those feelings.
now, i don't hate you. hate is a very strong word, and i will never hate you. in fact, i will love you forever. there will always be a special place in my heart for you, and it can't be filled with anything else. i will definitely always love you. but, right now- i just don't like you. i don't like what you did. i don't like how you made me feel. i don't like what i did either, but i don't like how you reacted to it.. i don't like a whole lot of things.
so, i'm sorry. sorry for everything.
i don't plan on keeping up this website anymore, but if by some chance you have read any of it, i don't want you to think that i'm just giving up on you. i wanted you to have an explanation.
i love you
take care of yourself,
take care of Kyle,
and give him a hug for me
love,
kathrynn
posted by kathryn at 11:32 p.m.
0 comments
